So, you and your partner used to go at it like bunnies all the time. You enjoyed the spontaneous sex, the kitchen island sex, and the fact you used to get enough sleep so you were actually in the mood to be fondled. Then, you became a parent.

By Katie Bingham-Smith

There’s nothing that can bring your libido to a screeching halt like having a child. It’s not just about recovering from childbirth and feeling like your body doesn’t belong to you anymore. You are spread thinner—like so thin you begin to feel like a piece of Swiss cheese—you are running on less sleep, and spending a lot of your waking hours trying to figure out how to keep your life in order while you are carrying around a child.  

Sex gets pushed to the back corner of the closet to hide out with the dust bunnies and that really bad Bridesmaid dress you were forced to wear 10 years ago. And keeping it spicy? What’s spice again? 

But sex is a very important part of a partnership, not to mention life. We are sexual beings and while solo play can be wonderful and fulfilling, most couples still want to have sex with each other, they just don’t know how to make it happen much less keep it exciting.

I spoke with Alice Wood, a sex and relationship coach since 2012 who has helped many couples crawl out of the rabbit hole known as a boring sex life who have an excellent relationship and feel very connected but having a child keeps them from finding that sweet spot during sexy time.  

The first thing, says Wood, is to realize that this is very normal. Having a child is a huge life-changing event and there is “a regular stage that most couples go through,” she says. There’s no need to blame anyone for the lack of sex happening. This may be how it is for a spell. 

You’ve still got it, baby 

Yes, your body has changed; you have stretch marks, and maybe some extra baby weight, but it doesn’t change who you are. Wood says it’s important to remember you are still sexy and desirable and that “your partner is probably a lot less harsh on your body than you are.” How we feel about our body can affect how sexual we feel, but don’t jump to conclusions and deem yourself undesirable, you are still just as beautiful and sexy as you were before having a child. In fact, I’ve heard many people say that their partners are even sexier after becoming a parent. 

Talk to me, Goose 

You can’t get out the slump if you aren’t willing to talk about it , says Wood. “Make time to discuss your relationship, and find out your partner’s view of your intimate life,” she says. Talk about things you used to do when things were super hot and don’t shy away from trying something new. Something as small as a blindfold, or a new toy, can warm things up. 

It’s super important to never talk about how your partner was always ready to go back in the day before kids. It won’t help either of you out in the bedroom whatsoever.  

Schedule sex, but keep having spontaneous sex 

Schedule sexy time and send provicative texts throughout the day to keep your partner hot all day. But Wood says it’s important to leave room to be spontaneous, too. There is something that keeps the magic alive by jumping in the shower with your partner for a quickie if your kids are sleeping, or rolling over at 2am for a quick oral sex session. 

Keep it fresh

Keep trying different ways to please yourself and your partner. Sexy underwear, a new position, an exciting place, or maybe even a little fondling while pouring the morning coffee. Even a small gesture like suggesting a new toy (We Vibe certainly has something for everyone). Our minds love trying new things even if it takes a little more work but playing with something new can take your sex life from a little spicy to a damn inferno in two shakes.

Sex becomes a huge deal in a relationship if you aren’t having it. It’s important to talk about it and not fall into a destructive routine where both people are feeling misunderstood. Relationships involve at least two people after all, and they all must be willing to put for the effort.

Looking for the perfect toy to spice things up? Watch how these real couples react to Moxie by We Vibe